Broken heart...

Tuesday the 24th was the one month anniversary of my dads passing.  I don't know that it was any harder than any of the other days... EVERY day is hard.  I think of him 24/7 he is the first thing, last thing, and everything in between.  I can't stop going over all of the amazing things he did, for me, and everyone, that went unnoticed.  I never knew that I could miss someone sooooo much.  I wish so bad I could have spent a little more time with him in my last few months, but I was just to sick to do anything.  I think the hardest thing for me right now is life keeps going on around me.... and mine is just at a stand still.  Everything we do feels so incomplete without him. MaCee turned 2, and although we were surrounded by family that loves us, I felt so alone without my daddy.  I worry that this sad, heartbroken, empty me is the new me, the me that my kids are going to remember. So, I try to put on a smile and do everything day to day that I always have, but it is SO hard.  My dad was the only one that I think truly supported my love for babies.  When Mike & I were discussing adopting again, and my heart knew so strongly it was right, but I just couldn't convince Mike.  My dad said,"Honey I think your crazy, but you have the biggest heart of anyone I know, if anyone can do it, its you!"  I don't know if this pain ever goes away, but I wish so bad I cold just forget for a few moments, and feel complete again.  In everything we do, everyday, I am making sure my kids have memories of him.  We talk about him constantly, and I will never stop that.  On top of the fact that I am broken.  His position as the Operator of the Roosevelt Packaging Agency is going to be filled within the next few weeks.  What that means for me is at least 3 phone calls a day from people that pretend like they care what I'm going through... but really just want his job.  I finally have stopped answering the phone if I don't know the number.  Also we are dealing with the U of U right now, on December 31st our Cobra ran out so as of January I could get everyone else insured, but no one would insure me.  So when I got sick in January was life flighted, in the hospital forever, blah blah blah... I racked up a 200,000 dollar medical bill.  While I am sometimes dragging, and wondering why all of this is happening, I keep thinking because I am meant to be.  For some reason through every life threatening illness, almost bleeding to death, etc.  I am still here, for some reason our AMAZING Lord needs me here.  He must have big plans for me. I know this is pretty conceded but "I'm Kind Of A Big Deal," or at least he thinks I am!  Sorry for my ranting and raving, sometimes I just feel like this is the only place I can do it.

2 of my favorite boys!

God has you in his arms... I have you in my heart! Love and miss you so much!!!