Tuesday the 24th was the one month anniversary of my dads passing. I don't know that it was any harder than any of the other days... EVERY day is hard. I think of him 24/7 he is the first thing, last thing, and everything in between. I can't stop going over all of the amazing things he did, for me, and everyone, that went unnoticed. I never knew that I could miss someone sooooo much. I wish so bad I could have spent a little more time with him in my last few months, but I was just to sick to do anything. I think the hardest thing for me right now is life keeps going on around me.... and mine is just at a stand still. Everything we do feels so incomplete without him. MaCee turned 2, and although we were surrounded by family that loves us, I felt so alone without my daddy. I worry that this sad, heartbroken, empty me is the new me, the me that my kids are going to remember. So, I try to put on a smile and do everything day to day that I always have, but it is SO hard. My dad was the only one that I think truly supported my love for babies. When Mike & I were discussing adopting again, and my heart knew so strongly it was right, but I just couldn't convince Mike. My dad said,"Honey I think your crazy, but you have the biggest heart of anyone I know, if anyone can do it, its you!" I don't know if this pain ever goes away, but I wish so bad I cold just forget for a few moments, and feel complete again. In everything we do, everyday, I am making sure my kids have memories of him. We talk about him constantly, and I will never stop that. On top of the fact that I am broken. His position as the Operator of the Roosevelt Packaging Agency is going to be filled within the next few weeks. What that means for me is at least 3 phone calls a day from people that pretend like they care what I'm going through... but really just want his job. I finally have stopped answering the phone if I don't know the number. Also we are dealing with the U of U right now, on December 31st our Cobra ran out so as of January I could get everyone else insured, but no one would insure me. So when I got sick in January was life flighted, in the hospital forever, blah blah blah... I racked up a 200,000 dollar medical bill. While I am sometimes dragging, and wondering why all of this is happening, I keep thinking because I am meant to be. For some reason through every life threatening illness, almost bleeding to death, etc. I am still here, for some reason our AMAZING Lord needs me here. He must have big plans for me. I know this is pretty conceded but "I'm Kind Of A Big Deal," or at least he thinks I am! Sorry for my ranting and raving, sometimes I just feel like this is the only place I can do it.
2 of my favorite boys!
God has you in his arms... I have you in my heart! Love and miss you so much!!!
I am married to an amazing man, and as a bonus he is a wonderful father! We have 5 perfect little munchkins. Life is a little crazy at our house the laundry, toys, and food that 5 little people go through is INSANE, but I am loving being the mother of these 5 amazing little souls. I hope you enjoy a glimpse into our crazy little life!!!