Sunday, April 29, 2012

Broken heart...

Tuesday the 24th was the one month anniversary of my dads passing.  I don't know that it was any harder than any of the other days... EVERY day is hard.  I think of him 24/7 he is the first thing, last thing, and everything in between.  I can't stop going over all of the amazing things he did, for me, and everyone, that went unnoticed.  I never knew that I could miss someone sooooo much.  I wish so bad I could have spent a little more time with him in my last few months, but I was just to sick to do anything.  I think the hardest thing for me right now is life keeps going on around me.... and mine is just at a stand still.  Everything we do feels so incomplete without him. MaCee turned 2, and although we were surrounded by family that loves us, I felt so alone without my daddy.  I worry that this sad, heartbroken, empty me is the new me, the me that my kids are going to remember. So, I try to put on a smile and do everything day to day that I always have, but it is SO hard.  My dad was the only one that I think truly supported my love for babies.  When Mike & I were discussing adopting again, and my heart knew so strongly it was right, but I just couldn't convince Mike.  My dad said,"Honey I think your crazy, but you have the biggest heart of anyone I know, if anyone can do it, its you!"  I don't know if this pain ever goes away, but I wish so bad I cold just forget for a few moments, and feel complete again.  In everything we do, everyday, I am making sure my kids have memories of him.  We talk about him constantly, and I will never stop that.  On top of the fact that I am broken.  His position as the Operator of the Roosevelt Packaging Agency is going to be filled within the next few weeks.  What that means for me is at least 3 phone calls a day from people that pretend like they care what I'm going through... but really just want his job.  I finally have stopped answering the phone if I don't know the number.  Also we are dealing with the U of U right now, on December 31st our Cobra ran out so as of January I could get everyone else insured, but no one would insure me.  So when I got sick in January was life flighted, in the hospital forever, blah blah blah... I racked up a 200,000 dollar medical bill.  While I am sometimes dragging, and wondering why all of this is happening, I keep thinking because I am meant to be.  For some reason through every life threatening illness, almost bleeding to death, etc.  I am still here, for some reason our AMAZING Lord needs me here.  He must have big plans for me. I know this is pretty conceded but "I'm Kind Of A Big Deal," or at least he thinks I am!  Sorry for my ranting and raving, sometimes I just feel like this is the only place I can do it.

2 of my favorite boys!

God has you in his arms... I have you in my heart! Love and miss you so much!!!


  1. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. So sorry that you have to endure this pain right now-- but you are most definitely a strong woman. Don't be afraid to accept help from people, and don't be afraid to ask for it either. Many people love you and are more than willing to help. Myself included, even though I am in SLC.

  2. Heather, you are amazing. Im so sorry you have had such a rough time this past while. Your dad was an awesome man and will forever be loved. Keep your head held high. Our Savior knows what you are going through and he will help you through. You are such a strong person and an amazing mommy. I look up to you. If you ever need anything I am here for you. You and your sweet family are in my prayers.

  3. My goodness! It seems like when it rains it pours - huh?! I can not even imagine your loss and the medical trial right now. Even though I am sure this is what everyone says, but it will all work out. Seth ALWAYS tells me that, and I get soo irritated. But in the end, it does.
    I think about you SOO much. I know that you are such a special person. Those sweet babies of yours are very loved. I loved reading that your dad was 100% supportive of your decision to adopt again.
    BIG HUG!!!!