Sunday, April 29, 2012

Broken heart...

Tuesday the 24th was the one month anniversary of my dads passing.  I don't know that it was any harder than any of the other days... EVERY day is hard.  I think of him 24/7 he is the first thing, last thing, and everything in between.  I can't stop going over all of the amazing things he did, for me, and everyone, that went unnoticed.  I never knew that I could miss someone sooooo much.  I wish so bad I could have spent a little more time with him in my last few months, but I was just to sick to do anything.  I think the hardest thing for me right now is life keeps going on around me.... and mine is just at a stand still.  Everything we do feels so incomplete without him. MaCee turned 2, and although we were surrounded by family that loves us, I felt so alone without my daddy.  I worry that this sad, heartbroken, empty me is the new me, the me that my kids are going to remember. So, I try to put on a smile and do everything day to day that I always have, but it is SO hard.  My dad was the only one that I think truly supported my love for babies.  When Mike & I were discussing adopting again, and my heart knew so strongly it was right, but I just couldn't convince Mike.  My dad said,"Honey I think your crazy, but you have the biggest heart of anyone I know, if anyone can do it, its you!"  I don't know if this pain ever goes away, but I wish so bad I cold just forget for a few moments, and feel complete again.  In everything we do, everyday, I am making sure my kids have memories of him.  We talk about him constantly, and I will never stop that.  On top of the fact that I am broken.  His position as the Operator of the Roosevelt Packaging Agency is going to be filled within the next few weeks.  What that means for me is at least 3 phone calls a day from people that pretend like they care what I'm going through... but really just want his job.  I finally have stopped answering the phone if I don't know the number.  Also we are dealing with the U of U right now, on December 31st our Cobra ran out so as of January I could get everyone else insured, but no one would insure me.  So when I got sick in January was life flighted, in the hospital forever, blah blah blah... I racked up a 200,000 dollar medical bill.  While I am sometimes dragging, and wondering why all of this is happening, I keep thinking because I am meant to be.  For some reason through every life threatening illness, almost bleeding to death, etc.  I am still here, for some reason our AMAZING Lord needs me here.  He must have big plans for me. I know this is pretty conceded but "I'm Kind Of A Big Deal," or at least he thinks I am!  Sorry for my ranting and raving, sometimes I just feel like this is the only place I can do it.

2 of my favorite boys!

God has you in his arms... I have you in my heart! Love and miss you so much!!!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


It has been 10 days since I lost one of the most wonderful men that I will ever know... my Daddy.  My heart is so broken, I don't even know were to start picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together.  How do you ever get past the things that you wish you could have had a chance to say, or do.  This morning as I headed to the hospital for my 3rd Chemo treatment, for one moment it slipped my mind that he was gone and I grabbed my phone to text him, and let him know that I was having a treatment today.  Then just as quickly as I had forgotten, it all came back to me.  I am only 26... I'm not ready to do it on my own... I need him to guide me.  One of the hardest parts of this is my children, my older boys I think are starting to understand that he is NEVER coming back, and they are sad.  They want to do things with Grandpa Kenny.  Uh... I guess this is all for today... I am sure I will have many more to come.  Thank you for all of your love and support.