Broken heart...

Tuesday the 24th was the one month anniversary of my dads passing.  I don't know that it was any harder than any of the other days... EVERY day is hard.  I think of him 24/7 he is the first thing, last thing, and everything in between.  I can't stop going over all of the amazing things he did, for me, and everyone, that went unnoticed.  I never knew that I could miss someone sooooo much.  I wish so bad I could have spent a little more time with him in my last few months, but I was just to sick to do anything.  I think the hardest thing for me right now is life keeps going on around me.... and mine is just at a stand still.  Everything we do feels so incomplete without him. MaCee turned 2, and although we were surrounded by family that loves us, I felt so alone without my daddy.  I worry that this sad, heartbroken, empty me is the new me, the me that my kids are going to remember. So, I try to put on a smile and do everything day to day that I always have, but it is SO hard.  My dad was the only one that I think truly supported my love for babies.  When Mike & I were discussing adopting again, and my heart knew so strongly it was right, but I just couldn't convince Mike.  My dad said,"Honey I think your crazy, but you have the biggest heart of anyone I know, if anyone can do it, its you!"  I don't know if this pain ever goes away, but I wish so bad I cold just forget for a few moments, and feel complete again.  In everything we do, everyday, I am making sure my kids have memories of him.  We talk about him constantly, and I will never stop that.  On top of the fact that I am broken.  His position as the Operator of the Roosevelt Packaging Agency is going to be filled within the next few weeks.  What that means for me is at least 3 phone calls a day from people that pretend like they care what I'm going through... but really just want his job.  I finally have stopped answering the phone if I don't know the number.  Also we are dealing with the U of U right now, on December 31st our Cobra ran out so as of January I could get everyone else insured, but no one would insure me.  So when I got sick in January was life flighted, in the hospital forever, blah blah blah... I racked up a 200,000 dollar medical bill.  While I am sometimes dragging, and wondering why all of this is happening, I keep thinking because I am meant to be.  For some reason through every life threatening illness, almost bleeding to death, etc.  I am still here, for some reason our AMAZING Lord needs me here.  He must have big plans for me. I know this is pretty conceded but "I'm Kind Of A Big Deal," or at least he thinks I am!  Sorry for my ranting and raving, sometimes I just feel like this is the only place I can do it.

2 of my favorite boys!

God has you in his arms... I have you in my heart! Love and miss you so much!!!

...

It has been 10 days since I lost one of the most wonderful men that I will ever know... my Daddy.  My heart is so broken, I don't even know were to start picking up the pieces and trying to put it back together.  How do you ever get past the things that you wish you could have had a chance to say, or do.  This morning as I headed to the hospital for my 3rd Chemo treatment, for one moment it slipped my mind that he was gone and I grabbed my phone to text him, and let him know that I was having a treatment today.  Then just as quickly as I had forgotten, it all came back to me.  I am only 26... I'm not ready to do it on my own... I need him to guide me.  One of the hardest parts of this is my children, my older boys I think are starting to understand that he is NEVER coming back, and they are sad.  They want to do things with Grandpa Kenny.  Uh... I guess this is all for today... I am sure I will have many more to come.  Thank you for all of your love and support.

We made a wish... And he came true!

I am sitting in a hospital bed... getting a chemo treatment... and thinking... I am soooo blessed!!!  How could I such a simple girl get so lucky?  Someone must have a plan for me, because despite all of the illness and hard times  I always bounce back in full force!!! Anyway onto the reason I am posting today.  I have wanted to blog about this for almost 2 month now, and today I finally have enough time to sit down and do it.  February 6th I took a quick trip to Salt Lake to drop some paperwork off to the agency that they needed to have before the day Maddox was born.  To my surprise they asked if I would want to have lunch with his amazing birth mother, well of course I agreed.  As I drove over I remember asking Mike if he thought it was to crazy to ask her if I could touch her belly, he thought it was a little weird.  After visiting with her for a while and discussing all that you can in about an hour, I decided I didn't care if it was crazy.  My little baby boy was in that belly and I wanted to feel him.  So I said your going to think I'm nuts but can I feel your belly, we both teared up and it was a few moments that I will never forget.  As we both left that day I was so emotional, and in the car on the way home I kept crying and crying.  I remember thinking maybe I am insane... but I think he knew it was me... he knew it was his mommy... and we bonded.  After Maddox was born  I couldn't get enough of him, but as Thursday and Friday rolled around I wasn't feeling well.  Well wasn't feeling well turned into Life flight and 16 days in the hospital.  This was the sickest I have ever been, the second night in the hospital I went to stand up and collapsed, I was paralysed from the waste down, it was the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with.  All I could think of was how am I going to be able to do everything, the doctors were cautiously optimistic that I would get movement back, but said that only 1/3 of people do with Transverse Myelitis.  That is all in the past, I have gotten full movement back, which is absolutely amazing and once again I am in awe at what a miraculous father we have inn heaven.  During that time I would only get to see the kids every few days,  therefore not leaving me much time to bond with Maddox.  It worried me what would happen when we got home, I didn't know how it would be.  I shouldn't have let myself worry, because as I said before we had bonded, God knew this was coming and made sure that bond wasn't lost.  Maddox is such a little mommies boy, he loves his mommies touch, and is so called by me.  I don't think many things are better than having that unconditional love of a child!

This little man is such an angel... and a little heartbreaker!

Maddox Moon... and other happenings!

Sorry it has been soooo long since I've posted but life has been a little insane!  Maddox made his appearance January 10th @ 9:38 P.M. after 14 hours of waiting in a waiting room Mike & I couldn't wait to get our hands on that little man, who was suprisingly LITTLE he weighed in at 5 lbs. 10oz.  It was such an amazing experience, but I will blog about all of that later.  Maddox was discharged the 14th, I wasn't feeling well that afternoon, so I went to the ER they said that I had a kidney infection and sent me home on antibiotics.  We then quickly drove home to have our whole little family together.  That evening I had a fever of 104.6 and was having a lot of back pain, we drove to the ER near us the final diagnoses their was Meningitis, and they wanted to Life Flight me because they were worried I would crash.  In short I was in the hospital for 16 days, but am doing amazing now a loving this little man, and all of my munchkins!  Here are some of his first pics... I will get some more recent up ASAP, when I find my camara.

The MIRACLE of Adoption!!!

I have been trying to keep it in but I'm about to EXPLODE!!!  We are going to be welcoming a perfect little baby boy into our family on Tuesday morning!  Here is a little recap of how we got to this point.  As of last summer, I had started the process of BEGGING Mike once again for another little one... he tried to say no, but its not something he can easily say to me.  We started all of the paperwork again around the first of October and were complete and approved again within a few weeks.  At this point we had said our preference was for a little girl.  Something just didn't feel right that next month and a half.  After much prayer and though, I had decided that maybe a baby girl wasn't God's plan for us this time, maybe he had a little something different in mind.  We contacted our agency and told them that we wanted to open up or preference to boy or girl.  I felt much more at piece about it all for the next month and a half.  We waited, our profile was shown to a few situations, we were almost scammed, and we waited more.  On January 4th a situation came up on facebook that caught my eye, an African American baby boy due January 10th.  I begged, and begged, and begged Mike to let our profile be shown.  In the mean while I had contacted the agency and sent an application and our profile.  On a whim the social worker felt like she should show us, so she did.  She called me and said I shouldn't have done this but I showed you, and... "SHE LOVES YOU!!!  " Now I had to convince Mike, so I prayed and prayed that the big man would give me a little help on this... he did!  Friday I ran to SLC to finish a little paperwork, and the most miraculous thing happen.  I was able to meet our babies birth mother.  She is such an amazing woman, and seems like a wonderful person.  I am so happy that God choose such a sweet, kind, perfect woman to carry our little man to his forever family!  So thats it, that is what I have been trying so hard to keep secret but just can't anymore because I am like a little kid on Christmas!!! So please pray for all of us... please pray that our birth mother has peace in her heart and guidance from her savior... please pray that I will survive the next 2 days!!! :)